The First War
by coconutmoon
Summary: You want to know about the First War?  I lived through the First War.  I saw its rise and its heyday.  I was even there the night it ended, the night the greatest dark lord of all remembered time stepped over my fallen body and failed to kill my son.
1. Firewhiskey Masochism

**Chapter 1 – Firewhiskey Masochism **

He sat huddled in the corner slumped over the table that was still sticky from old drinks. A lone bottle of fire whiskey sat in front of him. His black hair was disheveled and his clothing was less than clean. He had been there all evening, simply watching the room. That was how it appeared at least, but in truth he was only interested in that one girl in the middle of the dance floor. Her, it always came down to her.

She had been there all evening, surrounded by friends and admirers. It was the only time that anyone saw her be free. She had an otherworldly look about her when she danced with her red hair cascading down her back and her green eyes half closed in a trance. Looks of ecstasy mingled with pain on her face as she moved to whatever beat came out of the enchanted speakers. The smile on her face was private as if only she knew some special secret. From time to time she would allow some poor wretch to dance with her. They never left with enough though; one dance was never enough with her. She was untamable and untouchable. It wasn't fair. But then it never was.

She was always sensible, he had to admit. While other girls came to parties in ridiculously short skirts and high heels that wouldn't let them dance and had them limping at the end of the night; she came in sensible jeans and sneakers. The only not sensible thing about her was her top; some small number that could hardly be called a top. It threatened to fall off with every move, but it never would. She was suggestive without being blatant about her sexuality. She knew she was a tease at those times, and he knew she couldn't help it. It was who she was. At any other time, she was the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect prefect – the list goes on. But right now, she was herself, she was free.

He could never have her, he knew that. But that didn't stop him from going to the Room of Requirements every Friday and Saturday night to watch her. He never did more than that. He never went near the dance floor. He never tried to dance with her, because he knew that one dance would never be enough. He was already lost to the world, lost because of her.

Once he had had friends, girlfriends even. Once he had been the life of the party, or at least part of it. She would always be the true life of the party. But he had once been part of it. Now his friends weren't talking to him or each other, and she, well she had never really talked to him. Except when she was telling him off or taking points away. Well it was no wonder he behaved the way he did when it was the only way to get her attention. But he hadn't done that in a long time. He had fallen off her radar. Once he had lived for her shouting at him; even loosing points was worth it, just to see her green eyes sparkle with life and anger. He must have been a bit of a masochist.

She seemed a little off tonight, as if she was trying to lose herself in the music. It was as if she was in a dream and never wanted to wake up, because daylight and the truth were too much. But then again, he was drunk and she was dancing, and how was he to really know how she felt.

He stood up suddenly, knocking over his chair in the process. He grabbed the almost empty bottle of firewhiskey and stumbling, weaved his way out of the room. He couldn't stand to see her dancing with him. Why did they have to be friends? Everyone knew that sniveling weakling was in love with her. It was funny that a full blood and a half blood were both in love with the same mudblood. He would never understand it, how could someone so pure and beautiful stand that greasy bastard.

She was supposed to be with him. She was the love of his life and he was supposed to be hers. But it is a rare day when everything works out the way it is supposed to. He could hear her laughing, even from the doorway. She had pushed the guy away and was dancing by herself again. It was such a beautifully painful sight. He wanted to take her in his arms and never ever let go.

He felt sick, sick of the world, sick of everything. The world was spinning before his eyes. He realized that he had doubtless had too much to drink. It was rather unfortunate. He probably wouldn't be able to make it to his room that night. He slid down against the wall towards the floor. 'I'll just rest my eyes for a few minutes,' he told himself, knowing it as a lie. His eyes fluttered shut, his head lolled to the side, his hair disheveled and his clothing permanently stained with liquor and other unspeakable things.

* * *

It was a few hours later when Miss. Perfect Prefect Lily Evans came stumbling out of the Room of Requirements with the remnants of the partygoers. It was nearly dawn on Saturday morning and the only people left at the party followed Lily out of the room. She blinked her eyes in the dawn light. "I guess it's earlier than it usually is, or do I mean later? Dawn is a very bad time to go to bed." She yawned and nodded sleepily to her friends. Lily stood out in their crowd. She had red hair that at that moment glowed as if she had a halo on because of the sunlight trickling in from the windows. Her eyes glimmered like emeralds. She had pale creamy skin and far more freckles than she would have liked to have. She was on the short side and slim but still built like a woman, or so she was often told. Her friends included a soft looking brunette from Ravenclaw, Marlene McKinnon, and a messy haired wild child, Dorcas Meadowes, from Slytherin. Despite the bad times, there were people from each house and of varied ages with her as they left the party. If there was one thing that could be said about Lily it was that she always included everyone, to a fault. 

She was a rather unusual girl. During the week she was studious, quiet, helpful, and a perfect student. But come Friday evening, she was the life of the party in glittery tops and outrageous eye makeup. It was almost like two different girls; the first a reserved good girl and the second an outgoing bad girl. Expect the unexpected was one thing that all students learned from Lily Evans. She was a teachers' favorite, especially with Slughorn, the potions professor and Flitwick, the charms professor. But really, all teachers loved Lily because she was an overachiever. Slughorn always said that Lily should have been in Slytherin, but most people didn't see it.

Lily held traits that could have put her in any house. Most people couldn't figure out why she was in Gryffindor instead of say Ravenclaw because of her smarts, or Hufflepuff because of her kindness and absolute fairness. Hell even Slytherin, as Slughorn pointed out because of her cunning and her uncanny ability to lie. But she had a habit of fighting for her cause, whatever it was that day, and she would defend anyone, no matter whether she agreed with them or no. And she had a very, very short fuse. So Lily was a Gryffindor and that was that. She was unusual to say the least. "She was a singularly gifted witch and an uncommonly kind woman. She had a way of seeing the beauty in others even, and most especially, when that person could not see it in themselves," one of her friends would say of her many years later.

The group dispersed, with Lily being the only one heading towards the Gryffindor common room. She shook her hair out of her face and sighed sleepily. "Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself." She murmured under her breath. "I have got to start going to bed earlier." And that was when she stumbled over a pair of legs. "What the?"

The legs were long, sticking out into the middle of the hallway and covered in a pair of standard boys' jeans. She looked upwards and found a button down shirt and a mahogany wand sticking out of a jean pocket. Farther up she saw a mop of messy black hair and a rather handsome face.

"James Potter." Her voice reverberated up and down the hall, "Wake up." He mumbled and shifted in his sleep. "James Potter, if you don't wake up right now, I'm going to banish you to Bertha Jorkins' room."

"Now why would you do something like that," came his inarticulate response. He blinked his eyes, adjusting to the light, "Lily. Lily!" He started to stand up and then had to sit back down again. He was clearly still somewhat drunk.

Lily sighed and put out her hand, "You have two choices, I levitate you back to the common room, or you lean on me and walk yourself. I know you dislike being levitated. And why do I keep finding you drunk all over the damned castle. It really has to stop."

"Look," James looked ready to nod off again, "please stop lecturing me and either help me up or leave me to my misery." He flapped his hands at her.

Lily gave in and pulled him into a standing position, a considerable feat considering he was twice her weight and height. He dwarfed her by nearly a foot. She helped him walk towards the common room but couldn't help herself, "If your getting drunk has anything at all to do with your fight with the boys, you really ought to just suck it up and make up with them. Sirius, Remus, and Peter aren't any better off than you."

James Potter and Sirius Black had once made up the terrible twosome. They were popular but had a habit of antagonizing people with their pranks. But for no explainable reason, James Potter and Sirius Black had stopped talking. Them, along with the other two Marauders (Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew), nicknamed the fearsome foursome by someone in the school back in third year, had all stopped talking or even associating with one another. That was in September and it was mid-March of their 6th year now.

She continued, "Sirius is going through destructive relationship after destructive relationship. At this rate he is going to have a dozen illegitimate children. Remus will barely talk to anyone. And Peter, well honestly I'm worried about Peter. You guys are really his only friends and the poor guy seems so lost without you. I'm hardly your biggest fan, but even I know that you need your friends and your friends need you, even if this school is much calmer and quieter without you boys up to your mischief."

"Are you saying you miss us?" James slurred.

"All I am saying is that you ought to make up. I can't imagine anything bad enough that would cause the four of you to stop talking. Think about it Potter." She dropped him off in front of his room and head back down the boys stairs for the girls' side of the tower.

* * *

Just as a quick note: I do borrow occasional lines from both my favorite authors and my favorite TV shows. If you can spot them, then good for you; you can have a cookie – but don't ask me for any milk 'cause I know where that will lead. Otherwise, I hope you like this new story. I can't promise that I will update all that often, but I do have more than half the chapters mapped out and a couple mostly written. So we'll just have to see where it goes. 


	2. Glimpses of Truth

**Chapter 2 – Glimpses of Truth**

"You fucking bastard." James yelled, throwing caution to the winds as well as his wand. He punched Sirius and it resounded with a loud crack that echoed down the hallway.

"I'm not the only one at fault here, you were there too," Sirius tackled him and slammed him into the wall. The boys had given up on wands, something that was very unusual for two full blood wizards, but it was a more personal fight and therefore deserved a less cool and collected form of fighting. They have given up on talking and were desperately fighting one another. They were a blur of fists, arms and legs. Both boys were bleeding from the violence they were doing to one another. The hallway was small and they had run one another into the walls more than once.

"What the hell do you guys think you're doing?" Lily's voice was pitched and strained, "Stop it!" Remus stood next to Lily and said nothing; he simply looked at the ground. "This is getting ridiculous. You're wizards, not petty gutter boys with nothing better to do than beat one another up. I don't care what happened, just stop." The boys continued to tussle but at Lily's words, and the fact that she now stood between them, they stopped.

"Get up and go into that classroom. Now!" Lily took them into an empty classroom and instructed them to sit in chairs next to one anther. "You sit there and dammit don't make me tie you up."

"I always knew she liked it kinky," Sirius drawled. That was the wrong thing to say because James lunged at Sirius, threatening to kill him, toppling both their chairs over and knocking Lily over in the process. The boys stood back in shock. Lily was sprawled on the floor, looking a little dazed.

Remus walked over and helped her stand up. "That's enough," Remus said, taking charge of the situation. "James, you sit back there and Sirius you sit over there. We ought not to heal them, they hardly deserve it," he said in his quiet yet commanding voice. It hinted at maliciousness, but was still calm and collected. "You two really are inconsiderate imbeciles," Remus continued as he began to heal a cut on Sirius' head.

"You never think," Lily added.

"You're always so quick to condemn me, you know that Lily." James said spitefully.

"You make it too easy," Lily glared at him, "That goes for you too, Sirius." Lily was purposefully not gentle when she rapped James on his hand in order to stop his knuckles, which had split during the fight, from bleeding. "You lot need to grow up. You too Remus, and Peter, even though he isn't here. I don't particularly care what happened…"

"You should," she heard Sirius mumble from his corner. "It's the only reason Remus is hanging out with you."

"That's not true Sirius," Remus said, looking towards a hurt Lily, "Lily and I were study partners and friends before all this," he made a big waving gesture as if 'all this' meant Hogwarts.

"He's right Sirius," James chimed in glumly, "Just because you messed up, doesn't mean you can take it out on Lily. Taking it out on me is one thing, but Lily wasn't even involved." James' emotions were flip-flopping all over.

"Says you," Sirius sneered before storming out of the room. The door slammed behind it with a force that nearly shook the room.

James followed him out saying, "I'm going to be late for Quidditch," and stomped off in his own direction.

"We didn't finish healing them, they're going to have bruises tomorrow," Lily whispered softly, her eyes welling with tears, not just for herself, but for the boys who all seemed so lost and alone. Their loneliness made them vicious and spiteful. "What happened to you guys Remus?"

"I don't know, maybe we've changed. Bad things happened, bad blood, bad choices. I don't know if we can go back." Remus looked down and scuffed his foot against the floor. "I don't really like how things are, but I don't think I can forgive them, or myself."

Lily looked at him with something akin to pity. She had once believed that the four marauders were boys of uncommon strength and ability, but it was only now that she saw that they drew their strength from one another. "I'm sorry Remus. I don't really know what to say." She sat down, with her head in her hands.

"I should probably heal my own bruises now. Too bad we can't heal emotional ones as easily, huh, Remus?" She looked up but he had gone, as quietly and Sirius was loud.

* * *

The days went by as quietly as ever and the boys still hadn't made up. But they weren't fighting anymore either. Lily wasn't sure whether this was a good thing or a bad thing. When they were fighting, at least it meant that they still cared. But the passive nothingness that it had become was worrying. 

Lily, Dorcas, and a few others were in the library that day. They had had every intention of studying, but the study session had degraded into a gossip session. Dorcas had tilted her chair so that it was balanced on the two back legs, "If you aren't careful, you might fall over," Lily said as Marian giggled and pretended to edge towards the chair with the intention of toppling it over.

"You'll never take me. Never!" Dorcas yelped and landed her chair safely on the ground.

Marian giggled, "So Lily," she wiggled her eyebrows, "What's going on with you and Remus."

Lily quirked hers in response, "Me and Remus? Nothing," she shook her head, "Trust me Remus and I aren't like that."

"Oh yeah?" Dorcas looked at her very seriously, "Then why haven't you danced with nearly as many guys as you normally do. You didn't even dance with Severus – he was crushed by the way," Dorcas said looking down and making to clean her fingernails.

"What is it with you guys suggesting that I am _with_ guy friends?"

"Mainly because," the other girls looked at one another, "you insist on being alone, even though you could be with just about anyone," Marlene chimed in.

"Don't be ridiculous. Maybe I don't want to be with anyone. Maybe I don't think it's safe to be with anyone." Lily shivered and noticed her comment had made the other girls uncomfortable, "And what about you Ms. Fortescue? I hardly think that Sirius Black is the type to make you happy; especially with how he is right now." She added.

"Oh Lily, Sirius and I are just having fun, it's not well, serious." Marian told her brushing off the suggestion that anything big was happening between her and the infamous Sirius Black.

Dorcas looked between the girls and then asked, rather out of the blue, "What's going on with the fearsome foursome anyways? The school isn't the same without them. I'm beginning to suspect that even Severus misses them, though he would never admit it," Dorcas said sarcastically, rolling her eyes at the idea.

The girls laughed at the very thought of Severus missing the four marauders and their antics. They looked at Lily and waited for the answer. She might not have been their best friends, but she was in the boys' house and year and was occasionally friends with them. "Honestly," Lily looked down at her hands, "I have no idea. It's weird though. We actually get peace and quiet in the tower and we don't have to worry about booby traps or jinxes and the like. They've been this way since late September or so. I've never seen them like this. They've had their tiffs, but they never stop talking for this long."

"Sirius told me that he and James got in a fist fight." Marian added.

Dorcas sighed and looked at them. "It has something to do with Severus." She cocked her head to one side, "He won't tell me what happened and I get the feeling that for one reason or another, he can't. He was different for a while in September as well.

* * *

Newts potions were hard. Lily had Severus for a partner, and according to Professor Slughorn, together they probably could have made any potion in, or not in, existence. It was silly really, that two such different people could work so well together to create such difficult concoctions. Together, Lily and Severus Snape had never gotten anything below an absolutely perfect from Slughorn. Absolutely perfect was apparently above outstanding. Separately they were equally capable at potions. But when working together, it was like a dance, to see them working around one another in sync in the dark and chilly dungeons. Lily always looked so odd in the dungeons, Severus always fit right in, but Lily, Lily was vibrant and alive. They were such opposites, yet surprisingly good friends most of the time. They had quarreled though, at the end of fifth year when Severus had unforgivably called Lily a mudblood. That argument had been slowly patched up, but things were never quite the same between the two. 

Dorcas had originally introduced Lily and Severus back in first year. She was in the same house as Severus, who was a bit of an outcast in Slytherin, being a half blood and all. But then again, Dorcas wasn't exactly a picture perfect Slytherin as she didn't believe in blood prejudices. But Dorcas Meadowes was still a Slytherin and a respected one at that because she was one scary witch with a wand.

It was through potions that Lily and Severus had formed their tentative friendship. At times they were the best of friends and at times they couldn't stand one another. Right now, they were somewhere in between.

"Pass me the fluxweed," Lily instructed Severus without really looking at him.

"Lily, I know you said you forgave me, but sometimes I get the feeling you haven't," Severus said softly while obediently handing her the jar that contained fresh fluxweed.

"Ah, sorry Severus, I guess I'm just distracted." Lily answered and finally looked up at him. He looked tired and wan, as if he hadn't been sleeping or eating enough, "Severus, are you feeling alright?" Lily asked; a wrinkle of worry showed on her face.

"I'm fine," he brushed off her worry of him with a wave of his hand, "just haven't been sleeping well. I'm working on a new potion," he told her secretively.

"Want any help?" Lily asked him kindly.

"No." His reply was short and he deftly changed the subject of their conversation, "So what has got you so distracted?"

Lily rested her head in one hand while stirring the bubbling fuchsia contents of the cauldron with another. "I don't know. It's," she looked at him for a moment and then her eyes wandered around the rest of the class, "It's nothing."

"I know what nothing is," Severus told her. He had seen where her eyes had landed; on a tired looking werewolf stirring his cauldron, on a handsome black haired guy goofing off at the back of the class, on a shorter blond boy who was stuck working with a difficult Slytherin, and on the one guy he truly disliked – James Potter. Her gaze had also landed on him, on Severus Snape. "It's them, isn't it?" He nodded towards the tables where the four split up marauders sat with their various partners.

"It's just," Lily sighed and let Severus take over the stirring of the cauldron, which was now a sickly green but smelled of sugarplums (exactly how it was supposed to look and smell). "Well honestly, something is going on with them." She started tentatively, "Dorcas says that you know something about it or were part of it or something."

Severus looked at her almost nervously as she continued, "Besides, I hate secrets, you know that," Lily winked at him roguishly as she went back to working on the potion and perfectly slicing the fluxweed with finesse.

Severus looked at Lily thoughtfully. He wondered how much she really knew and wasn't letting on. He also couldn't help but wonder exactly what Dorcas, or other people, had told Lily. Severus couldn't wait to leave Hogwarts, where truth and rumors floated around faster than air. If he wasn't careful, someone would find out too much about him.

* * *

Peter knew he shouldn't have been down in the dungeons alone. He hated feeling weak and scared. He knew he was both and he absolutely hated it. It made him feel sick to his stomach. He didn't understand why he couldn't be handsome like Sirius, smart like Remus, or a Quidditch idol like James. He didn't understand why he couldn't be great. Sometimes he resented them for everything that they had. But that was only sometimes; it was much easier to resent them when they weren't talking to him. And _that_ was all because Remus was a monster, Sirius was an idiot, and James just had to play the hero. Sometimes it wasn't fair. Sometimes he wanted to be great. But for right then, he was willing to settle for being Peter Pettigrew and getting out of the dungeons before he ran into any Slytherins, nasty or otherwise. 

Sadly, he wasn't that lucky. "Well, well, what do we have here?" A voice whispered out of the darkness of the dank and gloomy hallway.

"Why it's little Peter Pettigrew," a girl's voice cackled. Peter knew that voice; everyone knew that voice. That voice belonged to the craziest head girl ever. He really didn't get why the headmaster had appointed a clear You-Know-Who supporter and sadist to the head girl position. For Bellatrix Black was both sadistic and a future Death Eater, perhaps even already a Death Eater.

It came as no surprise to Peter that the two people who accompanied the illustrious head girl were the Lestrange brothers; Rodolphus and Rabastan. Peter knew he was in trouble then.

"Perhaps we should make him dance," Rodolphus suggested while leaning on his slightly shorter brother Rabastan.

"Or we could stick him like a pig and roast him," Rabastan said, clapping his hands. Noticing the sweat on Peter's upper lip he commented thoughtfully, "After all, he does look an awful lot like a pig."

"Been eating too much, have you Peter." Bellatrix Blacks voice was high and clear. Her face on the other hand was still in shadows. She had a more horrible suggestion that her boyfriend or his brother. "Perhaps he's just depressed because he has no friends." She cocked her head to the side and looked at him shrewdly.

"That's not true," Peter argued licking his upper lip and reaching for his wand.

"Poor Peter has no friends and no one loves him," Bellatrix continued in a sing-song voice, ignoring his dispute.

"That's not true," Peter said stamping his foot, but realizing that perhaps Bellatrix wasn't entirely off the mark. His so called friends weren't talking to him and girls didn't like him. He was basically a nobody.

"Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her," Rabastan parroted and sniggered with Rodolphus.

"Peter, you could be great you know," She said softly, not moving to hurt him or curse him, which was unusual for Bellatrix. "You could have anything you wanted, if you so desired. But instead you choose to be a silly ninny with nothing. I could help you become great. I could give you friends, I could give you _lovers_," her suggestion was dark and twisted and Peter knew that, most of the time.

"I don't want your gifts. I want you to leave me alone." Peter was gripping his wand and pointing it at the group. He knew that if it really came down to it, his wand would be useless against the three seventh years standing before him.

"Come now Peter," Rodolphus said, slinging his arm around Peter's shoulder in an almost friendly way, if it weren't for the fact that he was pushing down on Peter, "Everybody like Bella's gifts."

"Not everybody Ruddy," The voice was loud and came out of the dark rather suddenly. A short blonde girl stepped into the light. It was Dorcas Meadowes looking surprisingly intimidating. She had on severe black robes and her hair was pulled back, for once calm and out of her face. She was short, but she stood ramrod straight and held her wand in front of her. Dorcas Meadowes was a Slytherin not to be messed with. She might have been a year younger than Bellatrix, and there might have been three of them and only one of her. But she was a pureblood from a very powerful family, and people didn't like to piss her off. She knew just as many curses as Bellatrix and wasn't afraid to use them. It didn't hurt that her father had been the Minster of Magic. "Why don't you bounce along Bella? Peter isn't interested in your bull, are you Peter."

He shook his head agreeing with her on the outside, but on the inside he knew things were not so clear cut. Bellatrix glared at Dorcas, turned sharply, and walked off with the Lestrange brothers following her. She called back from the end of the hallway, "Twenty points from Slytherin for your impertinence Meadowes."

Dorcas sighed, "I guess she doesn't care about winning the House Cup anymore. She hasn't for quite some time now," she informed Peter knowingly. "You shouldn't be down here alone. It isn't safe for anyone but us Slytherins." She shivered slightly, "Now go on back to your nice, warm, dormitory; I'm sure your friends are waiting for you."

Peter's only thought as he walked back to the Gryffindor common room was, 'What friends?'

* * *

Please review, it makes me want to write more and faster. 


	3. Shock Wave

**Chapter 3 – Shock Wave **

Everyone in the Great Hall was excited. It was the first warm Hogsmeade weekend of the year. Girls were running around in dresses and skirts and boys were in shorts. Lily and her friends sat in a mixed group at the Hufflepuff table. It was the most neutral house, which was why it was safest to sit there, especially when your group included Slytherins and Gryffindors. Lily was enjoying the happy hubbub around her and absorbing the excitement of the other students.

It was nice to see so many happy people in one place. It didn't happen that often anymore. "So Marian," Lily asked her pretty friend, "What are you planning on doing in Hogsmeade today? I was thinking we could all go to that new dress shop that opened."

Marian smiled at her. "You just want another pair of shoes," she batted her eyelashes at Lily playfully.

Lily, not denying it, said lightly with a tilt of her head, "Perhaps."

"Anyways," Marian continued, "I'm only available until one. I've got a date with a tall, dark, and handsome boy."

Marlene looked around the tables at the Hogwarts boys and wrinkled her nose, "Well, there's only one tall, dark, and handsome I can think of; but he's kind of lacking in the other qualities that usually go with it. That and he's a total player."

The girls giggled at Marlene's comment. "It's not our fault that you have a thing for older guys and don't find the male population at Hogwarts appealing," Lily told her with fake sympathy.

"I'm sure I could name a few that might appeal to her," Dorcas said with a naughty smile while tapping her head thoughtfully. "What about Professor Flitwick?"

"Oh, no he's too short," Marian decided with a shake of her head.

"Slughorn?" Dorcas asked.

"Too fat," Marian said immediately.

"Oh, I know," Lily chimed in, "perhaps our illustrious headmaster would be more to your taste Marlene." Lily licked her lips suggestively and winked at Marlene. (Somewhere near by another tall, dark, and handsome boy drooled and yet another tall, dark, and not so handsome boy put his head in his hands and sighed.)

Marlene had sat through the teasing with a small smile on her face. "Now Lily," Marlene said in all seriousness, "you know I won't go above twice my age."

"Which makes the oldest potential guy…34," Lily told them, adding up to the appropriate age.

"Didn't you break that a couple of weeks ago with that Ministry of Magic guy? I mean he _had_ to be closer to 40," Marian said laughingly.

"Yea, Marlene. You'd better hope he wasn't married with 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, and a family dog." Dorcas said only somewhat sarcastically. "You could be breaking up families here."

"She's got a point there," Marian said as the girls giggled.

"So," Lily said, continuing with her initial question, "What is everyone else doing in Hogsmeade?"

"I promised Severus I would help him find some potions ingredients. After that, I have some stuff I have to do for my parents; like they can't do it themselves." Dorcas rolled her eyes and hated her parents for a few minutes.

"What about you?" Lily turned to Marlene hopefully.

"Sorry Lily," Marlene gave a mock pout, followed by a lascivious grin, "I've got a rendezvous with my own tall, dark, and handsome; my own _older_ tall, dark and handsome."

Dorcas winked at her, "Don't do anything you wouldn't want your mother to see."

There were barks of laughter from the girls at Marlene's reaction. "Well damn, now I'm not going to be able to have any fun." She shuddered at the thought of her mother seeing what she would be up to that afternoon.

"That's probably a good thing," Marian told her. "He's probably too old for you anyway, whoever _he_ is."

"Old is relative my dears," Marlene told them flippantly. "You will know that once you become legal in the wizarding world." Marlene was a seventh year and therefore a year older than them and of legal age in the wizarding world.

"Well, I guess that means I'll be shopping all own my own," Lily rolled her eyes at her friend, "You do realize that that means I won't have anyone to stop me from buying an obscene amount of shoes and other sorts of lovely trinkets." She clapped her hands in childish delight.

"Oh, that reminds me," Dorcas told her, "Severus told me to tell you…," she paused trying to recollect the proper words, "that he changed his mind, about something, and would appreciate it if you would look into, into…something?" Her voice rose at the end in a question because she didn't remember what that something was.

Lily raised her eyebrows at Dorcas and Marian rolled her eyes, "Seriously Dorcas, you really suck at delivering messages. A first year would have remembered it better."

"Yea," Marlene said with a wave of her hand, "only because Snape would have scared the living crap out of him."

"You two really should call him Severus," Lily told them reproachfully. Marian frowned and Marlene looked down. It was a touchy area for them. Dorcas and Severus were in the same house and Lily was his potions partner, so they were all friends most of the time.

But Severus Snape was a bit abrasive and Marian and Marlene rarely got along well with him. They all tried, even Snape on occasion tried, for the sake of Lily and Dorcas, though mostly Lily because she was the only one who really cared that everyone got along. But Marian was too much of a Hufflepuff, Marlene was too much of a Ravenclaw, and Snape was too much of a Slytherin for the three of them to really get along. Lily was truly the only exception, the only one who got along with most people, regardless of house. That was of course, with the exception of a handful of older Slytherins.

"Sorry," Marlene said.

"It's just that we aren't as close with him as you are." Marian added.

"Oh, let it be Lily," Dorcas told them all, "we all know that Severus Snape can be hard to deal with. I put up with him because he's the only half decent person in my house and Lily puts up with him because she's a bloody _saint_. But no one else has to. Lily just takes the equality ideal to a whole new level; don't you Lily darlin'," Dorcas turned to Lily with a smile.

She had been expecting to see Lily looking a bit pissed off. Instead, she saw Lily holding her spoon in front of her, with the handle away from her. She had bent the spoon, which contained a scoop of porridge, back towards her and let it lose with a devilish grin and a delighted laugh. "That's for calling me a saint," she said as the porridge landed with a plop in Dorcas' hair.

Dorcas looked at her in shock and blinked a few times before screaming, "_Food Fight_!" She grabbed some bread pudding and flung it at someone sitting at the next table over. From there it was an absolute madhouse. Suffice to say that everyone was a tad late to Hogsmeade.

* * *

Lily had been sitting alone in Madame Rosmerta's when she first heard screams coming from the street. Marian had just left for her date with Sirius Black and Lily had been enjoying her minutes of peace and quiet. The next thing Lily heard were anguished cries and the sound of wood breaking and brick crumbling. She headed for the door and looked out onto a shocked village. 

Death Eaters were swarming the now gloomy streets. The promising day of fun and sunshine had faded and given way to dark and blinding fear. Spells and curses were going off in all directions. Lily blocked a cutting curse that was sent her way by a thing out of nightmares. Black cloaked men and women with hideous masks were everywhere; she screamed in terror. Lily saw friends and classmates, some fighting; some trying to drag the wounded away from the direct fighting on Main Street; some already fallen.

She continued to dodge curses and focused on creating protection spells rather than sending counter curses. Lily knew that as students, their hexes wouldn't be worth anything against the Death Eaters. She knew that someone had to get the younger children to safety. She looked around, trying to find adults, to find anyone who could help. There was a distinct lack of adults on the streets.

Lily leaned huddled against a brick wall that had partially crumbled in. She was somewhat hidden there and had a moment to think. Her mind kept racing, wondering where all the adults were, why no one had known that the Death Eaters were coming. She sent up a couple of flares, hoping to attract help. She looked up to see if they were visible enough and realized that they were completely unnecessary. Lying over Hogsmeade was a large black magical cloud. Lily could clearly see that it wasn't a true cloud but an enormous black skull with green sparks coming out around it like lightening. It hung low in the sky and covered the village like a sinister blanket. That explained why it was so dark; someone had cast the morsmordre charm. It marked death to all the inhabitants of the village. Lily whimpered in fear for only a moment.

She pushed back her shoulders and held up her head. She had a plan, not a very good plan, but a plan none the less. She stepped back into the firing range on main street and looked for the nearest sixth and seventh years. She saw Remus making his way towards her, "Remus," she shouted, "get as many of the students out of here as you can, use one of the passages," she told him. He turned and began to make his way towards where a number of the students had congregated.

That was when Lily fell over something. She looked down and saw Edgar Bones. He looked as if he had been hit full on with a blasting curse. Edgar was, or rather had been, the head boy. "Oh my god, oh my god, Edgar wake up," she shook him, afraid of what was in front of her. She could not believe that Death Eaters were killing students.

One of the masked men laughed at her saying, "Give up Evans, he's dead." She froze, realizing that they knew her name; that they knew of her. She stood up quickly and prepared herself for a fight. She was suddenly gripped tightly from behind, a female voice saying, "Someone wants to talk to you, silly mudblood, someone _very_ important."

Lily struggled with her capture as she was dragged down a dark alley. Her wand arm was pinned tightly to her side. The woman wasn't much bigger that her, but she had surprising strength. Lily continued to struggle, fear growing like a sickness in her heart. The woman's mask slipped from one of Lily's more forceful attempts at freedom.

Lily looked at her in shock and blinked a few times, though she wasn't all that surprised. "Bella," Lily wasn't as scared now as she knew that she could take Bellatrix Black any day, "so good to see you." That had been proven on more than one illegal duel at the school. Instead Lily pulled back her hand and did the unexpected. She punched the woman. Bellatrix's head snapped back with the force of the fist, causing her to let go of Lily. Lily quickly held her wand point blank towards the psychotic black haired beauty.

Beyond Bellatrix, she heard a voice say, "Interesting technique, Miss Evans." The voice was barely above a soft whisper, "I would have thought that an accomplished witch like yourself would never stoop to muggle fighting forms."

Bellatrix backed up towards the man in the black cloak. Lily kept her wand trained on the both of them. Later, Lily would remember how odd it was to be confronted with the man that gave her nightmares. She could practically see the corrupted power seeping out of him. "It worked didn't it," she looked at him and shrugged, trying not to be afraid. The playing ground was no longer even. No matter how good she was, no one but Dumbledore could take on the man in front of her. She was screwed.

"Expelliarmus," Lily screamed suddenly with all her strength as a voice behind her shouted, "Expecto Patronum." She watched in surprise as her spell sent the man and Bellatrix flying back into a brick wall with enough force to shake a building. He had not lifted his wand in defense in enough time, yet he had still managed to hold onto it. Lily turned towards the other voice; the voice had belonged to none other than James Potter.

He walked towards her and took her in his arms. "It's alright Lily," he said never taking his eyes off the man and the deranged Bellatrix, "Professor Dumbledore is on his way."

At those words the man hissed "This isn't over Miss. Evans," and apparated away. Bellatrix followed him moments later with a frown on her face.

"How did you do that?" James asked Lily, shocked by what he had seen.

"I have no idea," she shook her head and borrowed into James' shoulder. "Is everyone okay?"

James gulped, his eyes glittering with unshed tears. "Remus and a bunch of other prefects managed to get a lot of the younger kids out of the way. But Lily, Marian is dead. I…, I tried to stop them, but I was too late, the curse slid right through my protection spells."

"She was on her way to meet Sirius," Lily said, almost comatose with shock.

"Edgar is dead too," she sighed. "What are we going to do? They killed the head boy. And somehow I doubt the head girl is going to come back any time soon." Lily wanted to scream in frustration. She couldn't feel anything at this point. She was numb, but her entire body was buzzing with unreleased anger. The adrenaline was still coursing through her.

"The head girl is not our biggest problem right now. They attacked Hogsmeade. They attacked students. I can't even begin to count how many are hurt or permanently cursed. Deatheaters were attacking third years!" James sounded so upset and angry. They walked back into the street and saw all the damage that had been done. Apparently, the departure of the man in the alley had been the signal that the rest of the other Death Eaters should leave as well.

* * *

It was a Hogsmeade weekend when the students of Hogwarts first felt the true effects of what was happening in the outside world. That was the day that You-Know-Who hit home, or as close to home for the students as he had ever been. Six students died that day. A number of students left without graduating that year. Interestingly enough, most of those students were from Slytherin. People had had friends and family die in the War, but they had never really seen it first hand. Hogsmeade was an unprepared disaster. Nobody had been expecting the attack. No one was prepared to defend it. It was the first time that Lily and James encountered Voldemort. 

The streets were covered in debris and bodies. Lily and James headed for the few who were still in the streets. They congregated around Lily. She could pick out faces she knew, but no one looked undamaged or unhurt. Dorcas, her hair a mess, blood and soot streaking her face and clothes, gave a wave to Lily before kneeling down to try to heal someone. Lily would later find out that Dorcas had arrived late to the fight because of the errand-cum-wild-goose-chase her parents had sent her on. Dorcas would never verbalize her thoughts on the matter, but it seemed likely that her parents had had some intimation of what was to happen and had tried to protect their daughter. Dorcas did not appreciate it and it clearly hadn't worked as Dorcas had undoubtedly been involved in the fight. Remus and another prefect were organizing the last of the younger students and trying to calm them down.

"Where were the aurors, where's Dumbledore? Where were the _frickin'_ adults," Lily asked the people nearest her.

"They never came," a scrappy fourth year with an enormous gash in his chest informed her very seriously. She knelt down, tears dripping down her face, "Okay kiddo, I'm going to stop the bleeding so I need you to stay really still. James," she looked up at him, "get everyone organized, find anyone who can heal and get them to heal. I don't care how you do it. And get someone to make sure it's safe, we need help and soon." Lily instructed him before attempting to heal the boy.

To the boy she said, "I don't know what you were thinking, but you shouldn't be taking on fully grown wizards. I've patched you up and stopped the bleeding for now, but Madam Lyndon will have to actually heal you. I can only do so much."

Remus came over to her and carried the boy back to the rest of the group. Lily could hear Remus telling the brave boy that he would someday have a very handsome scar to show the ladies. Lily headed towards another figure. He was crouching beside a girl and they were both focused on a once pretty girl who was whiter than death. "They cursed her Marlene," she overheard the boy say.

"Sirius, there was nothing you could do. That was a really dark curse. I'm so sorry," the girl told him in a soothing voice that hitched in the middle of the sentence.

"She's fucking dead Marlene. Dead! The nothing will bring her back kind of dead." He was plucking at the girl's torn shirt.

Lily touched Marlene on the shoulder once she got to them. Marlene looked up at her and nodded, they switched places and Marlene walked towards the nearest wounded person, a seventh year Hufflepuff who had been hit by the cruciatus curse. "Sirius, you can't blame yourself, there was nothing you could have done," she said softly looking at the body that had once been one of her best friends; that had once been Marian Fortescue.

"If I hadn't asked her out, she wouldn't have been on the streets when the fighting started, she wouldn't have been alone. But James could have saved her, James could have stopped them. He was there," Sirius was out of his mind with grief, he was grasping at straws. "This is James' fault."

"Sirius don't be stupid, James' couldn't have stopped it anymore than anyone else!" Her voice was sharp. She turned and saw James, Remus and Peter a few feet away. They approached, even though James stayed as far away from Sirius as he could. He looked equally upset.

Lily glared at them. "You boys have to forgive one another. Nobody could have done anything to save Marian once that curse was sent. So stop fighting. I know about you Remus and the boys and I know that whatever you are fighting about has something to do with that."

"Me and the boys?" Remus turned pale and gulped, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't be stupid Remus; it's not your style." Lily laughed derisively thrusting away the pain of loss, "I know you're a werewolf, I've known that forever. And well you boys, well what you've done was very stupid and very illegal, but I get why you did it. You did it to help Remus."

His mouth was dry and his voice was cracked, "I don't know…"

"You're animagi," Lily said to the boys. They all shifted nervously, "Honestly, you lot act as though I'm stupid. I've known about you Remus since first year, and about you lot," she gestured to James, Sirius, and Peter, "since before you even became what you are. I knew that once you boys figured it out, that you would do something, anything to help him. And the only thing you could do was what you did. You all may be stubborn, arrogant, immature jackasses, but you're all friends and you love one another. You need one another, whether or not you are willing to admit it is beside the point."

She brushed off a comment Sirius tried to make and continued, "So you guys have to make up," she said ruthlessly. "I really don't care what happened or why, but it is very clear to me, even though I don't particularly like the lot of you, that you have to be friends to function. Peter, you haven't got any other friends. Black, you're hurting everyone you can out of guilt and sleeping with god knows how many girls. And Potter, well Potter you're completely fucking lost. And then there's you, Remus. I may not like the four of you together, but I'm not blind. I have never seen you four so unlike yourselves. And you have to stick together, just look at what things are like outside the castle," she gestured to the battle field that was once Hogsmeade's beautiful main street.

"Marian is dead!" Lily gulped and had trouble continuing, "We have to stick together to survive in these dark times." Her voice had risen and other people could hear her, "So I don't care what you have to do, but you have to stick together because if you don't you'll all probably die. We'll all die if we don't all stick together." A small sob escaped her. She knelt down and kissed her friend's ice cold cheek before glaring at the boys with tears in her eyes and walking away.

The boys began to bicker. "Now look what you've done," James growled, "You made Lily cry."

"What I've done, what about you? You didn't save Marian. You let Marian die!" Sirius' eyes had turned black in his anger; his arms shook as he tried to calm himself down.

"Shut up!" Remus yelled at them, "She's right."

"Yeah," admitted James who was hugging himself in loneliness, "But somehow I doubt that things can go back to the way that they were."

"People died today," Sirius said grimly, "things will never go back to the way that they were."

"We have the start over and rebuild." Peter decided softly, "But right now we should probably help Lily and the others." The boys went their separate ways to do what they could to help.


	4. Grief

**Chapter 4 – Grief**

Lily was reporting to Dumbledore. "Edgar Bones is dead and Bellatrix Black is gone. So are the Lestranges. And we all know what that means," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"Miss Evans, we do not know for sure what anything means." The professor told his, looking over his half-moon glasses at her.

"Edgar is dead! Marian is dead. And so are others. Everyone is devastated. Why are you acting like this didn't happen? People are dying and you aren't doing anything about it. You didn't show up until after the fight was over. You left your students unprotected and didn't even show up to help those who survived!" Lily slapped a hand over her mouth and looked shocked at her own words. "I'm sorry. I'll…I'll just go." The anger and frustration had poured out of her mouth.

She bumped into James as she fled from the headmaster's office, "Mr. Potter, would you be so kind as to escort Miss Evans back to her dorm. It isn't safe to be walking alone, even in these hallowed halls," Dumbledore's voice came floating though the doorway, he sounded pensive.

"What did he mean, Hogwarts isn't safe, it has to be, it's the only safe place left. Dammit James, what's wrong with this world." Lily worried as they began to make the trek to the Gryffindor common room.

He stopped and gawped at her, his eyes nearly falling out of his head, "You called me James."

Lily turned to face him. "Well it hardly seems to matter now. Our little disagreements hardly seem to matter compared with what's going on out there," she gestured vaguely towards the outside. "How many more people have to die before something changes, before someone does something? How many of us have to die over blood prejudices?" She sat down suddenly in the middle of the fourth floor hallway with her hands over her face. She did her best to muffle her dry sobs.

James sat behind her and wrapped himself around her. "Everyone keeps dying. Edgar is dead. Marian is dead. My parents are dead," she said softly.

"When, how," he was dismayed, but realized that it explained her recent unusual behavior.

"They say _he_ killed them personally," the accent on the he made it very clear who he was. There was only one he; one You-Know-Who. "He wants me for some reason, despite the fact that I'm a dirty mudblood. And I don't know why; gods I don't know why." She rocked back and forth in his arms in fear.

"Because you've got more power behind your wand than any other witch I know, and that includes my mum and Minerva McGonagall. I'm so sorry about your parents. I know how you must be feeling right now."

"How can you know? I'm the reason my parents died, the reason they were murdered!" Her voice came out strangled with anguish.

"Because my dad died protecting me and my mum. He was one of the first that You-Know-Who killed."

"I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"It happened a long time ago, before I even came to Hogwarts. But I have every intention of paying him back for the favor."

Lily decided that it was time to change the subject. "Have you made up with Remus?" Lily asked as James helped her up. "Or Sirius, or Peter?" She wiped the remaining tears from her eyes.

"We've begun to make amends."

After a pause, she commented lightly, "You've change Potter. For the better I think."

"We're back to Potter, are we Evans?" he frowned and then saw her grinning. He picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder. "I'll teach you to make jokes at my expense," he said as he headed back to the common room.

She shrieked in delight, "James Potter, if you don't put me down right now, I'll…"

"You'll what Lily Evans." He put her down lightly in front of the entrance to the Gryffindor common room.

The mood in the common room was very different from the one that Lily and James had left in the hallway. Everyone sat still and silent, shocked by the mornings' events. Three of their own had died. Their house had been hit the hardest. Others were missing from the gathering of Gryffindors, but not because they had died. Many were either in the Hospital Wing or at St. Mungos if they were worse off.

Lily and James walked in and sat with their diminished number of housemates. They weren't sure what they were waiting for. No one said anything. No one did anything. They sat; they held hands and many cried. People were still trying to process what had happened. It was hard to believe what had happened.

* * *

"How come you get to go to the funeral and I don't?" Sirius had barged into the library space where Lily was tutoring a third year in charms; guns blazing. 

"Maybe you had better go," Lily said softly to the girl who grabbed her things and left quickly. "Hello Sirius. How can I help you?" Lily asked him evenly. She knew that when Sirius was in one of his moods, there was nothing to be done but let him at it.

He slammed his hands on the table. "Dumbledore told me that I wasn't invited to the funeral. That I don't get to say goodbye to…" he still had trouble saying her name.

"Did he tell you why?" Lily asked him calmly.

"No," was the resolute response.

"Did you ask?" Lily asked him calmly again.

"No," was the response again.

"Well maybe you should do that before blaming me and scaring off that poor girl I was tutoring." Lily's voice rose as she began to tell him off. She was clearly a bit ticked.

"I'm not allowed to say goodbye." He frowned and bit his lip; he was clearing nearing the end of his rope.

"You don't have to go to a wizarding funeral to say goodbye," Lily told him softly.

"Yes I do," Sirius told her gravely, "That's when wizards say goodbye to those who have left us."

Lily sometimes forgot that Sirius had been raised as a very straight up pureblood. She started slowly, "I didn't realize that it was so important to you to say goodbye to Marian," Lily looked pained at using her friend's name. She looked at him thoughtfully, "You don't have to say goodbye at a funeral. You can say goodbye to her in your own way; in a way that would have meant more to her than some silly funeral."

Sirius put his head down on the table. "I don't think I know how to say goodbye," he said with a sigh.

"It's hard, I'm not sure I do either. But we have to; we have to let go eventually."

Sirius blanched and looked horrified at the very thought. "I didn't mean forget about her Sirius. Never forget Marian, never. But we do have to move on. We have to remember her. But we have to keep living our lives as well."

Poor Sirius looked so lost that Lily sat next to him and wrapped her arms around him, "I just can't believe she's gone," he hiccupped.

"I know Sirius," she made soothing sounds, "I miss her too."

"No Lily, you don't understand. I miss her so much that it hurts. It hurts right here," he said holding the left side of his chest.

"I know Sirius, I know." They sat like that for a long time, trying to absorb the shock of the events of the past few days. It wasn't until Madame Biblis came and told them that the Library was closing that they left.

* * *

Lily and Dorcas had been wandering the halls. It was something they liked to do after curfew when they couldn't sleep. These days, they all had trouble sleeping. Severus had told Lily in confidence that Dorcas would wake up screaming in the night, but then deny it the next morning. Lily herself was just as bad, but she had cast a silencing charm around her bed so that no one else would have to know her grief. Lily and Dorcas had been wandering nightly, and it was beginning to show in the daytime. 

It was difficult adjusting. You could hardly expect the students of Hogwarts to go on business as usual when six of their own had been brutally murdered in front of them. Marian Fortescue had been a sweet and beloved Hufflepuff. Edgar Bones had been a fair head boy, even for a Gryffindor and he was well known for his ability to beat anyone at wizarding chess. Shannon Boondock had been a fifth year Gryffindor with blond hair who already knew that she wanted to work with dragons. Tim Snow had been a fourth year Ravenclaw and a favorite of McGonagall's for his transfiguration ability. Emmie White had been a Seventh year Ravenclaw who had already lined up a job as a translator with the Ministry. The last was a hard one on Lily. The little boy that she had tried to save, the one with the gash in his chest had died in St. Mungos of complications due to multiple curses that conflicted with one another and prevented healing. Johnny Armstrong had been a Gryffindor and a brave one at that.

People whispered that it was funny that Gryffindor had suffered the highest losses in Hogsmeade. It didn't really surprise anyone though. Gryffindors stood up to You-Know-Who and his followers and had a habit of being killed for it. It was the price they paid, many said, and it made many people think twice before standing up for the rights of others.

That evening during their wanderings, Lily and Dorcas made their way to the kitchen for a late night snack. There was a sudden commotion of sound as they walked in that delayed their entrance. One of the house elves, a young female elf by the name of Bipsy ran under their feet and made them stumble. When they were finally fully on their feet and paying attention, they saw Peter Pettigrew just finishing up at his table and a few Slytherins from fifth year at the opposite table, glaring at him.

Peter looked up steadily, first at the three boys from Slytherin and then at Lily. "Hullo Lily, Dorcas," he nodded to them. "I was just leaving. They have a chocolate cake that is to die for. I would try it if I were you," he suggested before wiping his mouth and getting up to leave.

"You shouldn't talk to us that way Gryffindor," one of the Slytherins hissed as they all sneered at Peter.

"Well that's your problem, not mine, isn't it?" Peter narrowed his eyes in an unusual show of dominance over other males.

The girls looked bewildered as they sat at the place that Peter had vacated. Two slices of chocolate cake appeared before the girls. Lily and Dorcas waited. They did not pick up their forks and begin to eat. Instead they watched the Slytherins who were whispering with one another. Lily frowned at then. Dorcas pulled rank.

"Shouldn't you boys be off to bed?" Dorcas' voice was clear cut and dry. It had a tone to it that said 'don't argue with me'. It was a tone that Dorcas used very well. The boys got up and began to leave. In order to do that though, they had to walk past the table that the girls were sitting at.

"Stupid slut," they heard one of them murmur, "can't even see what's in front of her very nose."

The girls heard that loud and clear. "Thirty points from Slytherin for foul language. I ought to wash your mouth out with soap as well," Lily said angrily.

"Only the heads can do that," one of the other boys grumbled.

"In case you hadn't noticed," Lily said fiercely, "we don't _have_ any head students anymore. Prefects are now sharing that duty." The boys at least knew when to let it go and leave.

Dorcas pursed her lips together and thought. "You're going to give yourself wrinkles," Lily pointed out.

"I was just wondering what he meant about what we aren't seeing." Dorcas said, "I don't seem to be kept in the grapevine as often anymore because I'm not angling to join their little group."

"They were probably referring to Hogsmeade," Lily said, viciously stabbing her cake with her fork.

* * *

Marian's funeral was held that day at her parents' home in London. Only a few students were asked to attend, including Lily and Marlene. Dorcas was not invited, as Slytherins were now feared despite the fact that Dorcas had once spent an entire summer at the Fortescue's house. The marauders were not invited either. Sirius was the only one who had a real problem with that. He was sitting in Lily's room, on her bed to be exact, despite Lily's protests to the contrary. 

"I don't understand why I can't go," he said while glaring at the floor.

Lily looked at him, pity written all over her face, "Darling, the last time you were at their house you blew up an entire wing of it because you and Marian got into a fight. Besides, the Fortescue's didn't know you were so serious about their youngest girl." Lily looked at him pointedly, "In fact, no one seems to have known."

"I was scared."

"I don't think she knew," Lily said, inducing guilt.

"I don't think I knew. I was too busy trying to forget my other problems that I didn't realize how crazy I was about her." He looked up at her with watery eyes, "And now she never will."

"Oh Sirius. She knows now, I'm sure of it. She's in a better place." Lily said while standing in front of Sirius in her plain black dress and even plainer black pumps.

"How do you know?" He grabbed her hand, looking at her needily.

"I don't, but I have to believe it. Compared to the world we live in now, anything has to be better."

He held her hand between both his large ones, "Lily." His voice was rough and ragged, "Lily," he tried again, "Marian told me about your parents. You and I both seem to keep losing people we care about." He pulled her towards him, between his legs, still grasping her hand. "I'm sorry," he said as he closed the distance between them. His lips crashed against hers. She melted into his arms and into his desperate kiss. It was needy and unforgiving.

Suddenly, they stood stock still and pulled away from one another. "I have to go," Lily murmured in anguish as she shook her head and headed for the door. "And you aren't supposed to be in the girls' halls.


	5. The First Funeral

**Chapter 5 – The First Funeral**

"Crap," Sirius said to himself as he paced the dorm room that he shared with his once best friends. "Crap," he reiterated, "crap, crap, crap; why the fuck did I kiss Lily?"

"Sirius Black, if you don't shut up about kissing Lily Evans, I will bash you over the head with something much harder than a pillow." Peter put his own pillow over his head and groaned in frustration, "Something much, much harder than a pillow. A very big rock perhaps."

"No you won't," Remus said, "you are far too gentle hearted for that."

Peter glowered, "Yeah, but still, _he_ kissed Lily." James had stormed out of the room hours earlier when Sirius had made his all important announcement. Remus and Peter had been doing their best to deal with the fallout.

"Padfoot, did you ever consider that maybe you kissed her out of grief because she was the closest thing you had to Marian at the time," Remus suggested kindly.

"Yeah, but still, Lily is hot. You can't deny that," Sirius said being his usual self. "Maybe I was just being me."

"But you can't like her," Peter groaned yet again. "You never have; that's James' thing. You might think she is hot, hell we all do, but you don't like her."

"And you're deluding yourself if you think you do," Remus added in conclusion.

"Perhaps you guys have a point there," Sirius said looking a little less miserable. He finally stopped pacing and sat down, "On a scale of one to ten, how mad is James that I kissed the so called 'love of his life'?"

"A hundred," came Peter's response.

"A thousand," was Remus'.

"Well shit, and just as we were getting to be friends again too." Sirius sighed and began to scratch himself in a way that would have reminded anyone of a dog.

"Maybe James will accept your 'insane with grief' plea," Peter suggested both gently and harshly at the same time.

"Unlikely," Remus looked thoughtfully out the window towards the Quidditch pitch, "Perhaps if Lily agrees with us, or rather with you Padfoot, that it was a mistake, she can convince him. It might be a long shot…"

"But it's still worth a shot isn't it?" Sirius stood up looking excited at the prospect of Lily's return. "She seems to be the only one who can talk any sense into us blockheads."

"Hey!" said Peter and Remus at the same time, taking offense at the blockhead comment.

"Let's hope she gets back soon," Remus continued, "or James may end up killing himself on that pitch. I've never seen him pull so many dangerous stunts." Remus looked thoughtfully out the window to where a small James could be seen doing dangerous dives and loop-de-loops around the pitch.

* * *

Lily and Marlene arrived late to the funeral. It was because of the safe guards Dumbledore and the Ministry had set up to protect everyone in attendance. The funeral was a dangerous proposition because it was a large gathering of all different bloods and opinions. The large number of half blood and muggleborns attending made it a potential target for Death Eaters. The Death Eaters would have loved to get their hands on all of the mudblood supporters at the funeral. That was why Lily and Marlene were late; because at the last minute Marian's funeral was moved to a different location. 

Lily and Marlene snuck into the back of the room where the service was being held. Sad music was playing and a wizarding elder had already begun to speak. The Fortescue family had always been big. Marian had been the youngest of six with three older brothers and two older sisters. Both her parents came from big families as well. Lily looked around the room and recognized a number of faces. She saw Marian's family members whom she had met when staying at Marian's house on various occasions. She also saw quite a few famous witches and wizards who were close to the Fortescues. Notably absent were many of the well-known diehard purebloods that usually attended funerals for other purebloods.

The room was beautifully decorated and Lily couldn't help but notice. That didn't really make up for the fact that Marian should not have been lying dead in the casket at the front of the room. White lilies decorated the room and made it seem like an enchanted forest. Lily couldn't help but think morbid thoughts. Lilies were her name sake and they were always used at magical funerals. Perhaps she was responsible for Marian's death. Perhaps she was responsible for the deaths of her parents and Edgar Bones, and the countless others who had died in those terrible times.

Lily shivered and rubbed her black gloved hands up and down her arms in an attempt to comfort herself. Marlene reached out and held Lily's hand. They drew comfort from one another. They sat in silence, listening to the events of the funeral and remembering Marian.

A tear leaked out of Lily's eye and trailed its way down her face. Marian had been a good friend and a good person. She hadn't deserved to die from such a painful curse. "No one deserves to die that way," Lily whispered to herself as she looked down on the face of her dead friend. Marian was whiter than death as she lay in the casket. She was so oddly still, Lily thought. It was hard to believe that the body in front of her had once belonged to Marian.

Marlene put an arm around her waist as they looked sadly at the remains of one of their best friends. They moved on, allowing other people the chance to say goodbye. It had been a terrible day when Voldemort's Death Eaters had started killing underaged wizards, witches, and children. It had been a terrible day when he had begun killing period.

Many people were still in denial. Most people wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong in the wizarding world. But it was times like this one, the funeral of an innocent 16 year old girl, that it was most difficult to deny the evil that was brewing in the world. Marian wasn't even a halfblood, she was full through and through.

Many people suspected that she had gotten caught in the crossfire; either that or she had died protecting a muggleborn. Lily wasn't entirely sure what Mr. and Mrs. Fortescue believed, and because of that, she was reluctant to approach them and offer her condolences.

But Marlene was fearless in times like that one. She dragged Lily with her up to the Fortescues to offer her own condolences. On the way, they ran into Headmaster Dumbledore. Just after than an alarm bell rang. Loud.

"I'm afraid there isn't time to pay your respects to the Fortescues," he said to them quickly. He summoned the other five Hogwarts students to him. In total there were seven of them. He had clearly been expecting this. "Alright, everyone hold onto this," he pulled out a muggle slinky and handed one end to Lily, stretching it out to its full length so that everyone could grab hold.

They were whizzing away seconds later. Lily thought that as they had disappeared she had seen the men in blacks cloaks appear in the funeral hall. It was a sacrilege but it wasn't a surprise. As Death Eaters stormed the hall, an equal number of aurors and other competent witches and wizards showed their presence at the funeral.

They were later told by Dumbledore that no one died and only a few were injured. They had been prepared. Very much unlike the way that they were prepared at Hogsmeade Lily would always think bitterly.

* * *

"How was the funeral?" Sirius started off, looking nervously towards Lily. 

"We had to leave suddenly," Lily said, not going into details. She sat down carefully next to Sirius. "Sirius, why did you kiss me?" she asked as delicately as possible.

"I think it was because I missed Marian," Sirius said looking more miserable than he had back in his rooms.

"That sounds like something right out of Remus' mouth, but I figured it was something like that." She smiled slightly and kept her eyes down, peering up at him through thick lashes, "Did you tell anyone?" her voice was soft and barely above a whisper.

"I sort of told the boys," Sirius muttered as he shifted in his seat.

"And?"

"And," Sirius wheedled, "well James was a bit put out, but as you realized, Remus and Peter helped me figure out what the fuck I was doing."

"A bit put out, huh?" Lily raised an eyebrow at him. She had long known about James' fascination with her. She did her best to ignore it. In the past year, she had done her best to keep her temper in check around him, as she had begun to feel guilty about how she had treated him in the past. It helped that James seemed to have grown up a bit.

"Don't raise your eyebrows at me young lady. You know it makes me jealous cause I can't," Sirius said trying to lighten the mood. "We haven't seen James since this morning. If I were you, I would go and talk to him. Best guess is that he's out at the Quidditch Pitch," Sirius told her knowingly.

"Why do I have to talk to him?" Lily hissed at Sirius, looking both petrified and livid; rather like a rampaging pygmy puff, he thought. "He's _your_ best friend."

"Not at the moment remember? You on the other hand," Sirius looked at her pointedly. "You he will listen to; from you he will absorb and believe all things," Sirius said sagely.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Sirius," Lily whined in a very un-Lily-like manner. "It's not fair; you're the one who kissed me."

"Life's not fair," Sirius glowered, thinking heavy thoughts, "and you kissed me back!"

* * *

It was too many emotions for a teenaged boy to deal with. He wanted to kill Sirius for kissing Lily. He wanted to kill himself for not getting Lily first. He wanted to kill Severus Snape for being a shmuck and breaking up his friendship with the other marauders. He felt guilty for not saving Marian. He felt terrible that Lily had suffered the loss of her parents in silence. He hated that You-Know-Who could do such evil things. He wanted revenge for all the bad things You-Know-Who had done and caused. He wanted to love Lily. He wanted his friends back. He wanted to let himself forgive Sirius. Honestly, he really didn't know what he felt or wanted. But he was sixteen and he wasn't supposed to. But that didn't really make him feel much better. 

James went into yet another dive on his broom; a death defying drop straight down to the ground. He was forced to suddenly pull out of it as he noticed a lone figure by the side of the pitch. Lily's hair was blowing around her face from all the wind outside. It created a cloud of red around her that enveloped and protected her. Dusk had arrived upon her as she made her way out to where she would attempt to explain to James Potter, the most obstinate boy in the universe, that the kiss between herself and his best friend had been an accident, a mistake.

She pulled her luxurious green velvet cloak closer into her. It was March and in Scotland it was still rather chilly at that time of year. To look at her, one would have realized immediately that Lily Evans was a witch. It was unavoidable. There was an aura around her that almost that shined from within. Perhaps it was goodness or perhaps it was power, but whatever it was, it made her look ethereal and magical. It was hard to believe that Lily Evans had ever been anything but unusual.

"James," Lily's voice floated across the field towards him. He reluctantly came closer to hear better. "James, can we talk?" Her voice floated on the air like music, it danced a tangled web around the angry boy.

"What's there to talk about?" came his feigned nonchalant response.

"Apparently a lot," was Lily's dry answer. "Can you stop flying your broom around me for two minutes so we can actually talk?" James had been flying lazy circles around Lily, forcing her to turn to continue to face him.

"No," he said simply and shrugged her off.

"Fine, be obstinate," Lily sighed and began to walk off.

"I'm obstinate? What about you Miss Perfect Prefect? You never seem to be wrong, isn't that right." James was flying faster rings around Lily, preventing her from getting very far. She had long since stopped trying to follow his movements.

He was being uncommonly nasty. James Potter could be mean when he wanted to be, but he was hardly the vindictive and vicious bully that he was acting right then. Lily straightened herself up. After having pulled into herself, she pushed her shoulder back and held her head high. She looked directly at James causing him to stop his broom. "I just came out here to tell you that nothing is going on between me and Sirius, but if you don't want to listen, then fine." Lily's voice cracked. She didn't know whether she wanted to be mad or upset at the way James was acting.

"He kissed you and you kissed him back," James' voice came out strangled at the simple thought.

"Potter, you need to understand a couple of things. One is that my kiss with Sirius was nothing. We were grieving and we kissed, end of story. Two is that you shouldn't be mad at Sirius because he didn't really do anything wrong and he just lost someone he cared for greatly. And three," Lily had that passionate look in her eye which meant that no one could stop her from what she was going to do or say, "well three is that you should forgive Sirius because he needs you right now."

"Oh no? Sirius Black didn't do anything wrong." James looked at her, his eyes glinting in anger, "That's all really rich coming from you Evans."

James rarely called Lily by her last name, which is probably why Lily said the things that she said. "James," her voice was harsh and her words equally so, "in case you hadn't noticed, but what I do is my business. You haven't got any right to be mad at me for kissing Sirius."

James looked at her with a pained expression on his face. Lily knew that what she had said was harsh but it was also true. James wasn't her boyfriend and was only sometimes her friend. Who she kissed was her own business. James had to see that he didn't have any right to be mad at her; even if he did like her and everyone and their mothers knew it.

James looked hurt and defeated. "Fine Lily. You win," though she knew she hadn't really. "I have no right to be mad at you and I," James rolled his eyes and shrugged at this point, "I even forgive Sirius. Happy?"

"Not really. I don't care if you are or aren't mad at me, but are you actually going to tell Sirius that you forgive him?" Lily pierced him with one of her looks.

"Alright," he put up his hands in a motion of mock defeat. Lily nodding calculatingly at him and turned on her heel and began the long trek back to the castle. This left James alone with his dark and unhappy thoughts again. Though this time they were more focused, a bit darker and a bit less happy.

* * *

Well aren't you all lucky; two chapters in one day, though only because I split the previous one in two because it was too long. I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed thus far: rev123, doks.brucas.happy, lyin', flamethrowerqueen, penciled in, and my very first reviewer writingramblingravenclaw. I would also really like to encourage people to leave reviews. I know that at least some people are reading it and it would be nice to hear people's opinions. 


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